by Travis Plumlee
The skills I will list in this article are not just for couples with hurting marriages. They are good skills for all married couples to employ to resolve issues that come up in the marriage. However, for a couple with troubles, these are the keys to helping you get your marriage back on track. The first thing you need to know is Luke 1:37. “For with God, nothing shall be impossible.” There is no problem that God cannot solve. He desires for all marriages to make it. All of heaven is pulling for you two. All the resources of heaven are at your disposal – Philippians 4:19. If both of you believe the bible and who God is; then you are going to be able to get through this. You will be able to be reconciled and restored. It is not too hard. Christ will give you strength – Philippians 4:13. If you don’t know what to do; ask God. He will give you wisdom – Hebrews 1:5. And you must never do what you think is best. You must do what God knows is best, and sometimes it won’t make sense to you. You may not even like what He leads you to do. But it will always be the right thing to do. Proverbs 3:5, 6.
Here are some things that couples can do to help improve their marriages.
ADDRESS all issues one at a time. We have to clear the air. We have to unpack stuff that has been in the marriage for a long time that keeps causing problems over and over again. As a couple, you may play like it is done. But then it keeps coming back doesn’t it? You have to solve all issues. Current ones, and those that are still lying there unresolved in the marriage suitcase. But don’t unpack the whole thing in one night. That’s an all-nighter to avoid. You need to work on one thing per week. Just discuss one subject at a time, and call each other’s attention when the conversation starts drifting to other subjects. One subject at a time. Don’t overload the plate. Communicate and negotiate a solution.
ADMIT attitudes and action that need to change. This is a difficult thing that most couples will never be honest about. It’s not always pleasant, but the alternative is to just live with irritability or pain the rest of your life. Let’s be honest. Grow up and speak the truth IN LOVE. Ephesians 4:15. You must both be humble and talk about very specific things to change. Clarify if you don’t understand. “What do you mean when you say that I nag too much? Or I put you down all the time in front of others?” Be specific with behaviors. I can’t do anything with the statement, “You make me so mad!” I can change a behavior. “You make me mad when you refuse to help me around the house.” That is specific, and we can negotiate how to deal with that. You are negative. That can be a specific attitude to work on.
APOLOGIZE. Seems simple and easy. But it is very hard for some people to ever do. If you can’t ever apologize, then you have some personal spiritual issues you need to grow through before we tackle the marriage issues. You may need to get rid of your pride. James 4:10. Or it may not be pride. You may have low self-esteem issues that prevent you from understanding that no one is perfect, yet you are still loved and accepted by God. You see everything that you must apologize for as a direct attack on your self-worth. You can’t admit mistakes or you will feel unworthy. So, you defend your fort at all cost. You need to study specific scripture and come to know who you are in Christ. Then, apologize as needed.
ACCEPT responsibility for your actions. The second part of this is to ACCEPT the consequences of your behavior. For example, if you lied to your spouse, then apologize, accept responsibility for it; and then understand that there will be consequences. You broke the trust bond. It can be re-earned, but it will take some time. You must show your mate again through actions that you can be trusted. This takes time. Do not make statements like, ”Well, I wouldn’t have done it if you would have…” That is what I mean when I say you are not taking responsibility for your actions. Your spouse doesn’t make you do wrong. You choose to do that in response to them. But it is still your choice. Own it.
ALTER your behavior. You have to actually change. All people can change. But lasting change requires it to be from the inside out. Not the other way. We can all change momentarily for a week to better behavior. But for lasting change, it requires the Holy Spirit. Ask God for change. You must mean it. He knows your true heart. You can’t just tell God to change you to make your partner happy. He knows if you are sincere. It will take time. You will mess up again, but keep moving forward. God can heal, change and grow all people. Seek God with your whole heart. Jeremiah 29:13. Finally, ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is deeper than apology. And a good marriage is based upon two good forgivers. You must ask for it quickly, and you must always give it. After forgiveness, comes the work on your feelings. Just be obedient first, and then God will work on the junk in time. God bless you both on your journey.
Family Ark Ministries
Travis Plumlee, Director
P.O. Box 163 • Mountain View, Arkansas 72560
E-mail: kingofthemountain@mvtel.net
WebSite: travisplumlee.com
